All the luster of your bones, those arms that held you strong.

Disclaimer: This is not a blog entry about surf. I am not here to tell you about the wave conditions last weekend, or how stoked everyone was. This is an entry about a feeling, a primal feeling that I was reminded of last Saturday. This is not a blog entry about surf. You have been warned.

Manong Lemon

The forecast last weekend was 5-6 feet if I'm not mistaken. For a beginner like me, seeing these figures is intimidating as it is, but it's a whole new different story when you paddle out and meet the ocean.

Hi, ocean.

It wasn’t until I reached the lineup when something dawned on me. At first I thought it was the coffee kicking in, or the cold water against my rashguard-less skin. It took me a while before finally recognizing it. Fear. Primal, gripping, cold fear. It’s not that I haven’t been afraid before. It’s just that I know fear in the context of the abstract – fear of failure, that something will not go my way, that I’ll never have it figured out. But that Saturday morning session was different. As someone who's used to surfing small waves, head-high to overhead sets were enough to scare me out of my wits. For the first time in a long time, I felt fear for a real, physical, literally in my face danger. 

Jeff Dela Torre

I kept on paddling out whenever a see a set coming because of fear. I kept on bailing whenever I’m about to drop on a wave because of fear. I kept on staying on the outside – where I felt a little safer, but where my paddling power is not enough to catch a wave. The heavy rains, the occasional thunder, the perpetual gloom and the fact that I am using a much thinner board did not help either. “Why the hell am I here”, “why did I even start surfing”, “I should have been at home reading a new novel” were just some of the things running in my head that time.

Jay-R Esquivel

In between sets, I found ways to amuse myself. Watching Tito Phil and Kalua surf those waves so effortlessly was jaw-dropping. The sight of a thousand raindrops kissing the ocean, the beauty of a breaking wave and offshore wind, Karla and Tito Tonet with me in the lineup – yes, not every session will leave you stoked, but surfing is definitely one of the most amazing things a person can and should experience.

Benits!

Sunday morning gave us more humane and forgiving waves. I decided to stay a little more on the inside, decided to paddle for “bangon na bangon” waves (since I realized they are soft and they break slowly), decided to be a little braver than the day before. I was rewarded with a couple of long lefts, nothing photo-worthy, just enough to make me smile in the lineup. 

Bilmar. Two years bro! ;)

I know I have a LOT of things to work on – stronger paddling, right timing, faster pop ups. But at least now, I know something that I did not know last week. I cannot do all these without conquering fear first.

Shaken and still,
Miccah