Void

I am writing because I’m confused. I am writing because I can’t wrap my head around the idea of a loss. I am writing, hoping that spitting out these words might make it more real, and then it’ll finally hit me, and then I can start accepting.

I met Ate Mags when I celebrated my 21st birthday in La Union last year. She exuded a presence you cannot ignore. She was a ball of sunshine, the life of the party, someone you cannot not love. I distinctly remember what she told me when everyone was teasing me to extend my stay in LU…

Me: “I have to go home.”
Ate Mags: “But this is your home.”

Why go home so soon, Ate Mags? Of all people, you. I don't know where I got the idea, but I think a  lot will agree with me here: I've always thought you were invincible. You were the type of person who lived your life without any excuses. You make plans and you do them. Do you remember the title of the mixtape I gave you? Kiss of Life. I've always imagined you turning 70, with a bottle of JD in one hand and a cigarette in another, still putting those teenagers to shame with your undying lust for life. Why go home so soon?

I never told you this, but I looked up to you. I'll never forget your snippets of advice when it comes to my career in advertising and my questionable love life then. You always seem to know what to do. You always seem to have your shit together. It's amazing how unbelievably optimistic you are, especially when it comes to love. How passionate you are in your job; how you always find time for your friends on top of your crazy work schedule; how you make us feel old with your childlike energy and enthusiasm. You are indeed happiness on steroids.   

We know you lived your life to the fullest, and you died in your happy place, but that does not make it easier for us, does it? 

I am already dreading the next MSA officers meeting, the next MSA event, because it is impossible not to feel the void you left. 

I know you’re up there, surfing perfect waves with your tall, dark and funny boylets. I hope you went knowing how much you are loved. 

I’ll see you when I see you.